Writing Correction & Feedback.
Task:
Some people think it’s better to choose friends who always have the same opinions as them. Other people believe it’s good to have friends who sometimes disagree with them. Discuss both of these
views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience
Your Introduction:
Many people prefer building friendships with people whose point of view is similar to them rather than with those who argue them occasionally. While friends ought to have similarities, I believe that disagreements are inevitable and it would be better to make friends with someone who has different opinion from time to time.
My comments:
ought to have similarities - (change to) might often share similar views
I believe - (I wouldn’t give my opinion until the conclusion. The essay asks you to consider both sides and give your opinion. You have give your opinion BEFORE you even considered either side. Not a disaster by any means, but it is better to consider both sides first then give your opinion in the summary conclusion)
So, although this introduction is well written (no mistakes), your strategy is slightly wrong. I have a few “consider both sides” video lesson on this website about “crime and the law” (unit 4) and “animals & pets (unit 7). The structure of the essay is explained in the free videos. https://www.ieltswritinghelp.com/task-2-writing-video-lessons/4-crime-the-law/
https://www.ieltswritinghelp.com/task-2-writing-video-lessons/7-animals-pets/
Body 1. See my changes that improve this answer.
From one perspective,
it
is true that people should
share some common
ground before striking up a friendship with someone,
otherwise it is unlikely they would become friends.
Indeed,
one reason
for this is
that
they tend to engage more with people who can relate to their views in life, and this kind of connection is likely to bring a positive impact on their
relationship.
For example,
if
friends were to think
about decide
whether or not they should
get into adopt
healthier habits,
coming up with a unified
position
would make them feel encouraged and supported.
Naturally,
each
of us however is
unique, making it impossible to always have
exactly
the same thoughts and
outlook
as others.
Comment: Very good paragraph. Try to make your structure more obvious by using clearer signal words. This will boost your score for cohesion and coherence. Otherwise, really good. Don’t worry about my changes - they are mainly to show how this could be improved to reach a higher band score.
On the other hand, it is not
uncommon normal
for friends to be split on certain issues.
In fact, rather
than
being
damaging, it
could perhaps bring
new perspectives to the other person.
For instance, after
watching a mystery movie,
good
friends would probably interpret its ending differently.
Therefore,
although most
of the time, they
might
see it
similarly,
by
hearing each other’s opinion,
they could develop
a
fresh set of ideas. As a result, they
could
become more
likely objective discerning
and knowledgeable.
Thus,
it is not unfair to think that
disagreements
every now and then
obviously will
inevitably lead to new
insights on some topics.
Comment: Again, very good paragraph. Just try to use better (clearer) signal words. I would choose different vocabulary (as you can see), but I think you use a wide range anyway.
To conclude,
On balance, in my opinion, while having the same views and opinions are essential to establish friendships, it is unlikely to find someone who can agree with you all the time. Hence, arguments with friends are to be seen in a positive light.
Comment: Good conclusion. However, if it is a “consider both sides” essay, you should use the signal word “On balance” to start your summary conclusion because you are trying to show a balance of 2 contrasting viewpoints.
Always use “in my opinion” after the signal word that introduces the summary conclusion (then use a contrasting or conditional subordinator - you used “although”, which is excellent).
In my opinion, I would give your essay a band 8 for task achievement, 7 for cohesion/coherence, 8 for grammar, and 8 for vocabulary. So 8 overall. Well done.
My changes would improve this answer to a band 9.
